Last night I had some trouble while going to sleep because my mind kept bringing up things I thought should not be in the mind of a godly man. These were thoughts of wrong sex, or of being violent, or of someone or group being violent toward me. I realized, "These are not the sort of thoughts God would want me to have." Then I said, "I do not want those thoughts". And then, "God, please help me to think good thoughts." I seem to run around this circle several times before I either go to sleep or I break into good thoughts.It takes a lot of hard work to undo some of the things entrenched from the past. No matter what in the past might have been happy and fulfilling, what matters most is: what is happy and fulfilling to you today? No matter who cared (or did not care) for you in the past, who cares for you now? Although the past has a hand in forming us, its grip is not so firm that we can not live in - - and change in - - the present time.
Last night I tried to think, "What was there about my childhood that was happy or satisfying, fulfilling?" I could not think of one single thing.*
Apart from my Mother, I don’t think anyone cared if I was around.**
* Not exactly true. In school, I found Band and Science to be fulfilling.
** As I became older, and became more of a person, and not an annoyance, the situation became better.
