THE HEARING VACUUM

My hearing has the affect of making me a person alone though amid a group of people.

HIGH VOLUME - - Oddly when the volume is high it grates on me rather than making it easier for me to hear.  It is difficult for me to to filter out what is noise and what is being sung or played or spoken.  This is true particularly if there is any reverberation, as being in a large room or when (as in church music) the audio man adds reverberation because he has a fondness for the affect.  When this happens in church I find myself in a fit of negativity.  I must endure it while all the others enjoy it.  If I can not endure I must stand outside until it ends.  The effect is to isolate me, to make me alone in the room, apart from the experience of the others.

IN A GROUP - - It’s the same way at a small group or with the family.  If I can not catch on to the subject, or make out what they are saying, I just have to wait until they are done and try to catch on to what comes next.  I am just taking up space.  I am not invisible because they can see me, I am physical because they can not pass through the space I am occupying, but otherwise I am just not there.  I have to wait until they are through.  They think I am participating but I am not.  They think I am having a similar experience as they, but I am not.  This is exacerbated when many are talking at once and I am not standing close to the talker or the talker is not talking directly to me.  Functionally I am alone in the room, all by myself, until the others get through.

THE COFFEE MAN

As I was sitting on the front porch one morning the man in the Coffee Truck drove by.  He had a lot of stops to make there being a lot of construction sites in the area at that time.  He had more to do than I because he was driving a route to sell the coffee.  He has to earn money, he had to make a schedule.  I don’t have to earn money because I have already spent decades earning money and had funded a retirement.

I could drive a coffee truck too.  I could either own one, or work for someone.  In a way it is easier to work for someone because he, not I, would have to responsibility of the ownership of the truck and the provisioning of the merchandise and all the ancillary expenses and responsibilities like insurance, registration, maintenance, proper business paperwork and taxes (for starters). 

If I worked for him he would put a demand on me to show up on a regular basis and he would be in trouble if I didn’t.   But I did not work for him.  I could have bought a coffee from him, but I didn’t.  I already had my coffee and the freedom to drink it.  I didn’t even make it, my wife did.

Like him, I once had work obligations and a schedule.  All that do have them have built this country.  Everything rests on the backs of the laborers, farmers, craftsmen, professionals . . .

Thank you Coffee Man.

PRESENT DAY WRONG DOERS

Since men are sinners we have been doing wrong for all of our existence. We look back to Adam’s son, Cain. He became angry that God did not value his sacrifice at the same (or greater) level than his brother Abel's. He was so enraged that he murdered Abel. Cane considered his works as a sacrifice, a sacrifice of works rather than blood. There was more labor in growing crops than raising animals. When he saw Abel's gift preferred before his own he became insanely jealous. Maybe he thought, “I have to plow, sow, reap, and transport this stuff. All Abel has to do is watch his sheep feed themselves and reproduce. God’s not fair; I worked and Abel skated. God should value me more than Abel.”

Are we in a figure murdering each other for jealousy over God’s gift to another and over the blessing of God for another? Are we troubling our own souls and spoiling the life of another?

The Moabites hired Balaam to curse the Israelites as they came to the Promised Land. But God prevented him from doing it, though he tried several different ways to get around the prohibition. He was doing this because he was being paid. He was seeking profit for doing some kind of spiritual work.

Do we seek riches in the doing of God's work? If not in money are we doing it to achieve some sort of advantage? We should do God's work because it is right. We should do God's work for God's profit, not our own. What are our real reasons for what we do in the church? Is it to worship God: or is it to “put our hands together” and jump up and down in some sort of hype?

Korah, Dathan, and Abiram sought to take the place of God's appointed men, Moses and Aaron. We forget that God positions the ones he wants to be leaders in the church. We should seek a church position to benefit God's work, not for self status. Are we seeking a position within the church body for the sake of our status?

TO GET OUT OF THE RAIN

Do you ever think of the easy life we have?

So you are standing there out in the woods while it’s raining.  You really do not like the idea of staying that way and would like shelter of some sort.  If you are going to have one it will take some thinking, materials and a schedule to build it. You will need some sort of plan in your mind of how it should be constructed.  You could build a lean-to using a tarp (if you had one), or of branches.  Whether or not you are aware of it you will have to schedule time to erect the shelter.  You should do it when you can, where you can and do it before it rains.

More permanence than a lean-to requires either a cave or a log cabin.  You must schedule again:  a time to locate a cave or to clear a site and gather trees.  Set aside hunting for now, find and gather the materials, then spend time building.

Want the convenience of more rooms?  You must schedule gathering yet more lumber, or stones, and set aside time for the construction.  Remember that time will include making a detailed construction plan and scheduling effort.  Arrange other activities, like food gathering around building the structure.

Want an inside bathroom?  Kitchen?  More planing, scheduling and gathering of materials required.  Have you thought of the tools you will need?

It’s nice to have other people around to grow our food, transport it to market, provide building materials and assemble it into housing, to generate and distribute electricity, to keep us safe from the few men who are criminally dangerous.

We rarely think of those things, or thank God for those things.  We should.

AVOIDING THE SANCTUARY

A few months ago I was sitting outside from a Saturday evening church service in the church’s cafe.  We were trying yet another new place.  I was using the cafe because I anticipated the music was going to be TOO LOUD.  Sure enough, it was.  Sitting out here the music, though softer, seemed loud enough to sing along with, the way it should have been inside.  The LOUD MUSIC in so many of these churches makes me want to avoid worship altogether.  I decided I would not enter the “sanctuary” for the sermon once the “music” stopped.

Does this have to do with my age?  Yet I see lots of people near my age sitting and listening in these places.  Is it just me and my particular set of ears?

Are the people (musicians[?]) behind the microphones subjected to the same levels of volume?  When these people reach my age will they have hearing difficulties similar to mine?

Out here even the voices seem TOO LOUD.  Are they really?

Whatever the case - - whether it’s them, or me - - I am clearly not of their group.

The voice that came out later, which I assumed to be the sermon speaker, seemed completely out of character with all that came before.  At the start it compared to Garison Keeler from “The Prairie Home Companion”.  But wait - - he picked up steam, like a train leaving a station.

FEET WASHING

Jesus set an example by washing the disciples’ feet. In those days it was necessary to have the servant wash your guests’ feet clean from all the horse and donkey poo they would get as a normal part of traveling from one place to another. The washing meant that the guest would not mess up your clean house. Our house must be kept clean. Imagine reclining at table in the ancient Roman fashion and smelling your neighbor’s dog-poo feet.

The significance is that Jesus cleaned the feet: his actions made them worthy of entering the house. Peter had to allow Jesus to wash his feet; he was not wanting the Lord to lower himself to the task. Similarly we have to be willing to allow our feet to be washed, to be helped to be better through others’ advice, aid, etc. And we must wash our brothers’ feet: be willing to help them. But before everything we must allow Jesus to wash out feet. If we go to someone’s house (and heaven is Jesus’ house) we must respect the wishes of the owner; it’s only polite.

GOING ONTO A SIDING

One day I wanted to write in my Journal.  I had the beginning of a thought about what I might write but as soon as I opened the Journal I became distracted by a place I with a paperclip. When I turned to a blank page I no longer remembered the subject.

I wonder how much I should worry about incidences like this.  Is it a sign that I am progressing into dementia?  Is it old age?  Is it merely a normal thing”

Every once and a while I will loose my train of thought.  I will start talking or writing about a subject, briefly think of something else, and then have a blank mind about the subject I started.  Often I can struggle back to it, but for a while it just doesn’t seem to be there - - an apparent blank space.  Sometimes I need someone to remind me.

Later that day a younger person said that the same thing happens to them.  Should this comfort me or are we both a little off?

I get irritated at the way “old folks” drive and react on the road. Though It surprises me when I realize that I am also an “old folk”. My night vision is not as good and my reactions are slower. Maybe I too drive slower than I used to. I once read that a sign of old age is that they no longer see speed limit signs to be challenges.

MAN VS WOMAN

One night Lizzie had an opportunity to speak at a Church about her book, SUBMISSION IS NOT SILENCE.  I was tasked to say something but I did not know what to speak.  I thought perhaps I should address how men should react to women.   As I remember I said something generally along these lines:

I believe men generally may be more direct and task oriented than women.  Many women do not seem as forceful in nature.  We as men must be careful not to over-express male characteristics so that we override women.  We risk making them feel abused and purposeless.  We can isolate ourselves from them and loose their constructive input.

The truth is that men need subtlety to temper their directness and they need to take thought of how the achievement of their tasks effect other relationships surrounding them.

Conversely, women need to keep the task in mind and not get lost in emotion and details.  They need to realize that sometimes people’s feelings have to take second place to the achievement of a goal.

To me it is obvious that men and women need each other, hence:

- - God saw it was not good for the man to be alone.
- - They shall be joined together and shall become one flesh.
- - Male and Female made he them, in the image of God made he them.

The way men think:
- - Marshaling
- - ordering
- - instructing
- - coaching
- - directing

The way women think:
- - relationships
- - Feelings of others
- - Comfort and beauty of the nest
- - Proper direction and nurture for the family

In the end we will take no earthly accomplishments out of this world:  no money, no status and no fame.  As we present ourselves in heaven we will carry with us only the relationships we have built.

WHAT I LIKE TO DO

Some guy said I could discover my passion in 30 minutes if I listed everything I could think of:

- I don’t know if I’m passionate or just crazy but I will work at a software problem until I either get it fixed, or dissolve in frustration.
- I like to design things
- I like two draw out the designs figuring out the nuances and potential strategies as I go.
- I like to build things.
- I like to finish things (as in applying stain and varnish).
- I like to polish the website.
- I like to travel.
- I like to help someone to solve a problem, specially if I know how to do what they are having a problem with.
- I like to imagine things.
- I like to manipulate data - - without caring what the data represents.
- I like to observe scenery (to include nature and man made places like cities, industry or construction).
- I like to play drum set and percussion.
- I like to get finished packages together, thorough packages: as in reports, websiets, assembled items.
- I like to learn about endeavors that others do:  how they do t, why they do it, how they developed it, how they adapt it to different situations, what is the process.
- I like to be part of a team that functions well together.
- I like to act and do things the correct and moral way.
- I would like to protect and deliver others from suffering wrong.
- I like to discover more efficient ways to do things and write things.
- I like large construction projects:  bridges, ships, buildings, civil engineering projects (dams, roads, tunnels).
- I like to discover or develop better, more robust methods.
- I like to devise and construct things that benefit others (and myself).
- I like thinking type projects.
- I like railroads and trains.
- I like large machinery.
- I like being in the woods, country, seaside, mountains.
- I like boating.
- I like playing in music ensembles.
- I like geology.
- I like technical drawings, explanatory drawings in books, etc.
- I like to diagram things or ideas.

After all that, I still don't feel particularly passionate.  I guess passion comes in the moment, not as some sort of continual burning.

HAVE INFLUENCE?

I wonder how far my influence really reaches.  It’s difficult for me to think it reaches beyond my fingertips.  I suppose this is a very negative way to look at it.  Surely it does not reach if I am not among other people, either physically or verbally (phone), visually (YouTube), or other ways (in writing like internet, email or letters).

If I do not seek these things out - -  the ways of being among people - - I can not waste my time bemoaning that I have no influence.  If I do not try to make myself of consequence, then I will be of no consequence.  If I look in the mirror I should smile at myself because I am the only one who’s going to get it done.

I am a very valuable man:  Jesus thought so - - thinks so - - so don’t waste it.

Small dreams bring small results.  Big dreams bring big results.  No dreams bring no results.

CALLING TO READ

Have you ever seen a book on a bookshelf which is calling you saying, "Read me! Read me!"  If there is any book like that surely it is the Bible. It does actually do that.  There are many, many passages that call a person to read or hear its words.
   
When an individual regards the Bible as the word of God -- and reads it -- he forever becomes a different person.  Such individuals are catalysts of change for everyone about them.  The readers unavoidably influence even those who have no regard for the Bible as special.

Those cultures that have seriously regarded the Bible were changed at their roots by it.  As a result of that, every other culture in the world has been forever changed.

 Even the ones who hold to the view "there is no God" have been solidly and unquestionably influenced by the book about God -- the Bible.  If the no-god believers were to attempt to reverse the influence the Bible they would have to undo thousands of years of history.

Each man and woman has at their fingertips access to a huge bank account. It is a mountain of wealth -- the wealth of God's wisdom, instructions, and wishes for us. Yet not many have tapped this tremendous source of God-given wealth provided via his written word, the Bible. In it we can know who we are, why we are here, and where we are going. Few, however, actually read the whole book. Of those who have, not many have read it more than once or twice. Yet through the pages of the Bible God urges us to read. The Bible speaks in many places of man's need put in the time to read its words.

FOR RICHER OR POORER

Here are my ideas about why sometimes the rich get richer:
.
RICH GET RICHER - - - But POOR GET POORER.
.. Comes from wealthy family - - - But poor comes from poor family.
.. Taught how to handle money, assets - - - But poor not taught how to handle money, assets.
.. Has education, specially advanced education - - - But poor has No or little education.
.. Thinks of the future - - - But poor thinks only in the present.
.. Has positive attitude - - - But poor has negative attitude.
.. Keeps good company (i.e moral and like-minded friends and associates) - - - But poor keeps bad company.
.. Seeks competent advisers - - - But poor does not seek advice.
.. Has supportive, uplifting family - - - But poor has a non-supportive family.
.. Comes from stable community - - - But poor comes from unstable community.
.. Has some money or position from which to start and the vision to use it - - - But poor has nothing to start with and no idea of how to change.
.. From a community that seeks to advance it’s own (there are many good communities, but the Mafia would also qualify) - - - But poor from a community that seeks to keep it’s members at the same level.
.. Has helped and is willing to help others - - - But poor restrains self from offering help to  others.
.. Willing to accept help - - - But poor will not accept help.
.. Thinks about wealth a lot (perhaps to the exclusion of more important life/family issues) - - - But poor gives no thought to wealth.
.. Has fortunate time and chance - - - But poor has no luck (Not just the excuse, “I’m not lucky”, but actually is not in the right place at the right time..
.. Recognizes opportunity - - - But poor does not recognize opportunity.

STAR LIGHT, STAR BRIGHT

     Star light, star bright, I don’t know what I think I might . . .
I wondered today if the part of God’s attention toward us and the creation is not a very small part of the total of all that God pays attention to.  We think of his attention toward us as if that is all he has to do.  In fact, whatever part of his “time” he spends on us, however small,  is 100% of all the time we have.  We have our being in him, not he in us.  How can we hope to comprehend the boundaries of God?  Can we say things about him the way we so confidently say we know about distant stars?  We say how big they and how far they are and how hot they are and what they are made of by using only an infinitesimal speck of light gathered through a telescope and processed through a spectrometer.  We start with what we have in front of us on earth (as in helium gas and a prism) and presume the same rules apply uniformly throughout the universe. 

Starting with Copernicus it takes a large highly educated group of us many decades and millions of dollars to do it.

Unlike the stars, which hardly give us anything,  God has given us the Bible which provides us much more than a few bands of differing color.

GOD'S DIRECTIVES

There are several words that repeat in Psalm 119 that refer to how God provides us direction:

WORD . . . What God says to us either through writing (the Bible) or through someone else (an evangelist, pastor, friend, a book).

WAY . . . What we observe from what God says or how he acts.

PRECEPT . . . A principle prescribing a particular course of action or conduct.

COMMANDMENT . . . A direct instruction from God.  This can be in writing, as in the Old and New Testaments.  This can be spoken to an individual human or group.

LAW . . . A set of rules of conduct or procedures established by God or an authority.

STATUTE . . . A particular rule, perhaps part of a body of law.

ORDINANCE . . . A more refined part of a statute perhaps specific to an activity or a certain group of people.

JUDGMENT . . . An opinion that is expressed to further refine an interpretation of a law, statute or ordnance.  This also might be rendered by a judge in a courtroom or by a legislative body.

TESTIMONY . . . A declaration by an entity or witness about the meaning or effect of a law, statute or ordinance.  This can be given by God about what he himself has said or done.  Or it might be given by those who have been affected by a law, statute or ordinance.

DOWNPLAYING YOURSELF

(On October 2009 I wrote:)
You could not have persuaded me yesterday of anything positive about myself.  I would have had a negative answer for everything you said.  I was determined to believe myself worthless.

But why not be determined to find worth and value?  Why be determined to see the no value in a finite life.  Why not rather see its eternal value and consequence?

No matter what anyone thinks about your worth, God provided his life for yours even when you did not know about it.  He thought – and thinks – a lot about you.

It is an insult to God to denigrate what what he thinks and does.

STEP OUT OF THE PAST

Years ago I wrote in my journal:

Last night I had some trouble while going to sleep because my mind kept bringing up things I thought should not be in the mind of a godly man. These were thoughts of wrong sex, or of being violent, or of someone or group being violent toward me. I realized, "These are not the sort of thoughts God would want me to have." Then I said, "I do not want those thoughts". And then, "God, please help me to think good thoughts." I seem to run around this circle several times before I either go to sleep or I break into good thoughts.

Last night I tried to think, "What was there about my childhood that was happy or satisfying, fulfilling?" I could not think of one single thing.*

Apart from my Mother, I don’t think anyone cared if I was around.**

It takes a lot of hard work to undo some of the things entrenched from the past. No matter what in the past might have been happy and fulfilling, what matters most is: what is happy and fulfilling to you today? No matter who cared (or did not care) for you in the past, who cares for you now? Although the past has a hand in forming us, its grip is not so firm that we can not live in - - and change in - - the present time.

* Not exactly true.  In school, I found Band and Science to be fulfilling.
** As I became older, and became more of a person, and not an annoyance, the situation became better.

ALTERNATE BIBLE STORY INTERPRETATION

Its OK to interpret bible stories alternatively.  Some bible stories have an accepted, often repeated, interpretation.  But it’s a worthy exercise to think of an alternate interpretation.  Indeed, you may have never really accepted the “usual” way. For example, there is a “standard” way of perceiving Job's friends.  The usual is to say the "Friends" are not really friendly.  In fact they are glad about Job's calamities.  They are really competitive fault-finders.  They are seeking Job's downfall and don’t mind disheartening him.

If that’s true why would they sit with him for seven days?  Why would they come to see him at all if it was only to find fault?  They could find fault with Job easier by staying at the market place or at the bar.

But there is an alternate way to view Job’s situation.  Let’s suppose the friends are real and are concerned about his calamities.  Not knowing about Satan’s involvement they assume Job has responsibility.  They want to warn him.  By guessing at what may be Job’s faults they are really seeking to find a solution and rescue and uplift Job.

The story of Zacharias also has a standard interpretation.  People usually suppose he is a tax collector and therefore uses his position to rob others.  They say he is a sinner because they assume all tax collectors rob.  They extend this assumption toward Jesus. They think Jesus ought to know who and what this man is and therefore avoid, or even admonish him.

The alternate is to say, yes, he is a tax collector but that's just his job.  It’s a job like a farmer or a shop keeper has a job.  Being a tax collector does not automatically make him a robber.  Jesus knows that he is a man like any other and knows (because God knows these things) this man has a softer heart than most of the others standing about.

Sometimes it’s good to investigate an alternative view of the “usual” interpretation.  It may help us to expand our thinking.  But our motivation for this ought not to be for the purpose of making ourselves stand out from most other people in a thrust to be noticed. 

Often the “usual” interpretation is usually the best.

THE HERE NOW AND THE NOW HERE

Maybe life as I am experiencing it has an intimate connection to the spiritual world.  Jesus said something like:  “As I am in the father so are you in me;  as the Father is in me so am I in you”.  (Look at John 17 and preceding).  He was physically in the world (we could have seen him and touched him and heard him) yet he talked with the Father.  He said, “My Father and I are one”.

So that should be true between Jesus and us today - - we are in him and he in us.  We should treat our daily living as if we are also somehow also presently in heaven.  What if a veil could be pulled back and we could see the spiritual beings about as it was done for Elisha’s servant when he saw the heavenly armies?

How do I adopt an attitude of living my physical life and realizing, experiencing, that I am at the same time living the spiritual life?

I’ll bet we have been tricked into thinking that the physical is now, and the spiritual comes later.  Or we think that any spiritual event is unusual in the physical course of events.  What if the spiritual is coursing along at all times but we have made ourselves unseeing and unhearing toward it?  If everyone else chooses to be blind should we follow meekly along and be blind too?

What do I do to see?  What do I do to listen?

- - Keep looking to see spiritual things
- - Keep listening to hear spiritual things.
- - Keep reading the Bible and rehearse the passages that support spiritual intimacy and perception.
- - realize that “the kingdom is at hand” means it is at hand, it is here, it is a natural thing.
- - Realize your “natural” perceptions could well have a supernatural component.
- - Embrace your “natural” perceptions and ask God to show you what he wants you to supernaturally know.

ON FINDING OUT ABOUT CANCER

I wrote this in my journal on May 29th, 2007:

On 28th of  May I went to the emergency room of Dr. Philips Hospital for the rectal bleeding I had been experiencing.  The bleeding had been going on for about two weeks but on the 29th it was quite heavy.  That morning I was scheduled to fly to Texas for a week's worth of work but my wife and son demanded I cancel the trip and go to the hospital instead.  On Monday the 4th of June I was discharged with a diagnosis of an invasive carcinoma a short distance in on my rectum near the anus.

I saw my primary care doctor, Dr. Myer, for the first time on Tuesday 5 June and went back to work in the afternoon.  I am presently scheduled for a consultation with the colol rectal surgeon, Dr. Farrarra 7 June and a PET scan the afternoon of that same day.

I thought today how the lord has blessed me by giving me a job while this course of events is going on rather than be being retired and just doing hobbies.  It afforded me extra health insurance I would not have had.  The job and the exercise will (secondary to God’s work) help me to overcome this invader in my body.

I do not feel fear.  I do not feel apprehensive.  I do not question God.  I accept it as God’s plan for me.  Perhaps he has some wonderful and fruitful work for me to do and only this type of training can prepare me.  Maybe this is only to start my boys, my girls and my grandchildren thinking about how transient life is, and how grateful, appreciative and involved we should be in each moment of it.  We should maintain an awareness of how moment of this present life affects and flows into the next.

Perhaps I am dumb, not feeling fear, not being nervous or apprehensive.  But then how can “the peace that passes all understanding” be explained?

POINTS FOR ME AND MY BOYS

It’s OK to lose a few screw drivers along the way, but don’t be lax or foolish with your tools.
Try know what your gifts are and try to use them.
Develop the things you like.
Overlook being always right.
Learn how to be a good friend.
Protect the innocent and the weak
Develop your organizational skills; that starts with identifying what they are
Never stop educating yourself.
Be honest with yourself: when it hurts but also when it feels good.
Know how to perceive a wife.
Know what being a spiritual leader means.
Know what being a Father means.
Know what being a Son means.
Know what being a Brother means.
Know what being a Man means.
It is important to select and spend time with good people.
People who are not good affect what you set your goals to be.
Thinking type work always comes before labor type work.